We have had the most amazing Easter holidays. It was busy and exhausting but it was amazing. The freedom was felt when I didn't have to rise when my husband did for work. It was felt when we laid around on the sofa in our PJs till mid morning. It was felt when there was no rush for a play date to end. It was felt even more so when we went on family days out and didn't worry about late naps or late dinners.
I got to steal extra cuddles and kisses from my boys. I also definitely got frustrated plenty of times when sharing wasn't something my boys could suddenly do. There was frustration when the hyper moods wouldn't cease after a hit of chocolate egg. There was plenty of frustration when my toddler drew all over my floors and doors and sprinkled rice crisps all over the floor like fairy dust.
But there was us. And there was 2 whole weeks together again just like we had before school.
Being a stay at home mum is the best decision I have ever made because I have had so much time with my boys, now I see how quickly they are growing I realise how lucky I have been to have that time with them.
And now things change. Again. Like they changed in September and the September before that. They changed when my eldest started preschool and then first school. Now my youngest starts preschool. He's only doing one morning a week to begin with due to a location factor, but he still starts.
So now for a few weeks I will feel lost. Just maybe perhaps for 3 hours but I'll feel lost. I'll feel lost like I do when my life goes through many changes, whether they are subtle like seeing a friend much less because they've moved away, or their circumstances have changed. Or I'll feel lost like I do when I don't know my next move in life. I'll feel lost until I figure it out and even then I'll feel lost because my boys aren't with me.
Things will change again in September when he picks up more hours. And then again in January. And then again the September after when he starts first school. Things are always changing and with each change, for a little while, I feel totally and utterly lost. I feel confusion, stress, aches all over and I feel unable to make any solid decisions about anything, even what to do for dinner.
Being a parent means I'll worry about them in the big wide world out there on their own. Ok, they're just in a school setting but after years of being with me and following me around, my mini mes, they'll be absent from my arms and absent from my bathroom whilst I try to go. They'll not be shoving items in my face to show me things or constantly saying "Mummy". So I'll feel a little odd. For 5 years I've had these people surrounding me, taking up every second of my waking life in a way and suddenly they will be elsewhere.
As it is only 3 hours a week to start with this will no doubt fly by and be a chance to clean quicker or wash things quicker. Or grab a kid free coffee with my mum.
But I will still feel lost as I can feel my life changing around me. I can feel it all starting to shift; my social life, my time with my kids and my next move. It needs to happen soon and I feel utterly overwhelmed and....
Lost.
Do you ever feel a little lost in life from time to time? Pop a comment below, I'd love to hear from you.
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